


In Which Ryan Talks to Dead Air

by WoozleBucket



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - Radio, Ghosts, radio au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-24
Updated: 2018-04-24
Packaged: 2019-04-27 10:04:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14423067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoozleBucket/pseuds/WoozleBucket
Summary: So here’s the thing about Unsolved: Shane thinks it’s a pile of horseshit. This guy, Ryan, is a lunatic. Like, aliens? Okay, yeah, sure, there’s life out there. But they don’t care about Amelia Earhart.At least Ryan has a nice voice going for him. Very spooky. Very aesthetic. Shane would think it’s neat if it wasn’t saying such dumb shit all the time.





	In Which Ryan Talks to Dead Air

**Author's Note:**

> An actual Radio AU. Finally. Is this still a thing?

Shane works in an office building from nine at night to five in the morning, and he’s alone. He takes calls at a fucking office building. Who calls people at an office building from nine to five? 

Nobody. 

Yeah, Shane hates it. But he also has entire building for himself and for his own maniacal pleasure. He can make a fort on the seventh floor and not come out until they pay him with one billion dollars and a lot of bourbon. Or he could do what he usually does and sit in the corner cubicle on the thirteenth floor in the near-dark and dream of building a fort and getting one billion dollars and a lot of bourbon. 

He sits there in his chair from nine at night to five in the morning and waits. Sometimes he has the radio on, just ‘cause. It’s usually entertaining enough. Shitty eighties music, usually, sometimes country, sometimes classical. 

_“Or, as some suggest, it could be alien activity.”_

And sometimes it’s some dumbass explaining how Amelia Earhart was abducted by aliens. 

So here’s the thing about _Unsolved_ : Shane thinks it’s a pile of horseshit. This guy, Ryan, is a lunatic. Like, aliens? Okay, yeah, sure, there’s life out there. But they don’t care about Amelia Earhart. 

At least Ryan has a nice voice going for him. Very spooky. Shane would think it’s neat if it wasn’t saying such dumb shit all the time. 

_“And our first caller is--”_

“You’re fucking with us, right?” Shane asks. He twirls a pen idly in his fingers, staring at the ceiling, feet up on the desk. 

He can hear the shock in Ryan’s voice when he says, _“I’m...sorry?”_

“Yeah, you’d better be,” Shane scoffs. “Where’s the proof?”

_“What proof?”_

“Exactly!” Shane raises his pen hand in the air and leans back in his chair. “You can’t just say that Amelia Earhart was abducted by aliens. It’s nonsense!”

_“You’re nonsense,”_ Ryan says. Shane hears a click and he’s disconnected. _“Our next caller is--”_

“Don’t you hang up on me,” Shane says. He leans forward and taps his pen against the table. “It’s rude.”

Ryan hangs up again. 

Shane sighs and drops his pen to the desk as Ryan introduces the next caller. He is going to send a very strongly-worded letter. 

-

“I wrote you a note,” Shane grins. 

Ryan sighs on the other end. _“You called me an, ahem, an ‘Empty-minded small man with no balls and no brains’.”_

“Was I wrong?”

A pause on the other end. _“Yes.”_

“You hesitated.”

Ryan groans. _“Please don’t call if you aren’t going to talk about the case.”_

Shane drops his grin. “The case? There was no case. Guy was stabbed in the throat and died. Easy.”

_“Who stabbed him, then?”_

“You, probably,” Shane shrugs. Why did he shrug. Ryan can’t see his extremely nonchalant shrug. “Desperate for a case aren’t ya, buddy?”

_“Franklin died in 1930.”_

“Great voice for an old man. What kind of mouthwash you using?”

Ryan hangs up. Shane smiles and starts another letter. 

-

_“Crazy thought, what if you do the show,”_ Ryan snaps. 

“Great idea! I’m coming over,” Shane says. He makes a point of pointing his phone towards his chair and rolling back and forth a few times. “Real heavy traffic in this part of town, you know!”

And then he hears the same noise from the speakers. _“I do know! Very hard to drive in!”_

Shane snorts and stops rolling, slamming his hand down on his desk. “Knock knock.”

There’s still rolling on Ryan’s end. _“Sorry, I can’t hear you! You’ll have to call again later!”_

“Smartass,” Shane says. 

_“I know.”_ Ryan hangs up. _“Next caller, hello?”_

-

Working in an empty office building has its perks. Like he can bring in an entire bottle of bourbon once a month and finish it before the sun comes up. Sure the morning people aren’t too fond of the enormous desk fort blocking the way to the thirteenth floor. And sure he has to sneak out with the morning people because he can’t get out after building said enormous desk fort, but bourbon. 

“I bet he said, ‘Hey, miss, may I have some more bourbon? Oh, and I have a bomb.”!”

Ryan wheezes on the other end and Shane thinks that he might just start bringing the entire bottle of bourbon more often if he gets to hear that. Serious Ryan is boring. 

_“What the...dude, D.B. Cooper was last week!”_

Shane gapes at the phone, and then he realizes that Ryan can’t see his extremely dramatic gape and says, “What!? No, Ryan, never!”

Ryan slams something on the other end and hangs up with another laugh. _“Alright, folks, that brings tonight’s show to an end. Next week starts our supernatural portion of the show, which I am not looking forward to at all. Next up we have…”_

-

Someone else is in the building. Shane can hear them messing around in the floor below, someone screaming, Shane laughing at that someone’s screaming. It’s funny, really. 

He’s sitting at his desk building another pencil castle when the elevator doors ding open and the noisy people from downstairs walk in. 

_“Oh, fuck, it’s cold in here….”_

Shane promptly falls out of his chair, sending it rolling away, sending it knocking against the cubicle wall. There’s a yelp and a _“Holy shit!”_ and Shane groans as his head connects with the carpet. 

_“Uh, is there anyone there?”_

“Yeah!” Shane sits up and rubs the back of his head. “Hi, what are you doing here?”

He can hear Ryan mutter something to his team. Shane gets up and follows the noise, and there’s Ryan Unsolved in all his dumb glory. He’s tiny. He’s looking at Shane. He’s screaming. 

Shane jumps back a few feet, knocking into another cubicle, and he demands, “What?”

Ryan Unsolved doesn’t answer. He stammers something into his microphone and his team is gaping and, really, what is their problem? 

“What?” Shane repeats. 

Ryan swallows and blinks a few times. “G-g-g--”

And Shane rolls his eyes, making Ryan Unsolved visibly pale. “What, grape? Goat? Ghost?”

A member of the team shakily nods and joins the other small people in backing away from him. 

Shane sighs, “Ghosts aren’t real.”

Ryan snorts and stands up straighter. “Ladies and gentlemen, I believe that I have made contact with the other side. Mr. Ghost, may I ask for an interview?”

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: @WoozleBucket, or @consumetheorbs
> 
> Find me.


End file.
